God, help me.

I was listening to HOME Podcast this morning on my way into work and heard a wonderful quote that I can’t remember well enough to recite verbatim. I also can’t remember who the quote is by. I’ll figure that out later and make a note here. Anyway, to paraphrase: People don’t talk about their open wounds, they talk about their scars. That rings so true to me. In AA people mostly discuss the healing and growth they’ve experienced as they work The Steps. In the recovery blogosphere, many people blog from the point of view of someone who is newly sober. People leave AA when they relapse and return when they’re ready to be sober again. Bloggers stop blogging when they relapse and return when they’re ready to be sober again. Rarely do we hear a story that’s raw and gaping and still bleeding. Shoot, this is exactly how I’ve been operating here on my own blog.

I don’t know about anyone else, but I definitely feel raw and gaping and still bleeding. Since my path began in August, the most I’ve been able to string together are 45ish days of sobriety. Since then I’ve had much less success. Somewhere along the way I lost my conviction. I’m not sure when or how or why. I just know that I did. I wanted to drink. And I let myself. I’m not sure if saying that sobriety is “hard” does any justice to explain why I wanted to drink. I just… fuck. Instead of obsessing and bingeing on alcohol, I felt I was obsessing and bingeing about sobriety. Sobriety is heavy. Sobriety is tiring. Sobriety is fucking hard!

Why do I have to be an alcoholic?

Why can’t I have just one drink?

WHY ME?!

I threw an internal tantrum and gave in to myself. So fucking stupid. I don’t have kids, but when I see parents give in to their kids in this way I know, instinctually, that it’s wrong. I know that “no” can be hard to accept, but it’s necessary to hear. It’s necessary for a kid to know his or her boundaries. It’s necessary for a parent to set boundaries. I know all of this. I was a good kid. I was a rule-follower. Until I started drinking. One by one, I broke down those boundaries. I forgot that they’re necessary and healthy. And now I throw internal tantrums like a child.

The time has come for me to grow up. Set up new boundaries. Mature, emotionally. I know this path will be difficult, but I also know that it’s necessary. I know that I’d rather be happy and healthy and obsess about sobriety than miserable and obsessing about alcohol. But I can’t do it alone.

Last night in AA, the discussion was about prayer. I wasn’t raised with any religion and I don’t know how to pray. Even without being raised with religion, I still feel a connection to something greater than myself. I can see how tapping into that connection and communicating with that greatness could be helpful. But where do I even begin? What do I say? There was a suggestion last night to keep it simple. Wake up each morning and say, “help me.” At the end of the day, if you haven’t had a drink, say, “thank you.” So, that’s what I did this morning. I asked for help. Last night before I went to bed I gave thanks.

Simple enough. I can do that.

God, please help me.

Since I’m trying to show my raw and gaping and still bleeding wounds, I’ll be completely honest. I need more than God’s help. I need someone to talk to. Someone who knows  this particular struggle. On the internet. In real life. I don’t really care. This is the one place I feel like AA is failing me and perhaps many like me. As a newcomer, you go to meetings and get a ton of numbers from members seemingly willing to take your call. I just can’t seem to make that call. I feel like I would be a burden. Who wants to deal with my fucking problems? Perhaps AA isn’t failing me. Perhaps I’m failing AA. Part of me thinks the system would work much better if newcomers gave their numbers to the home group and there was a home group member tasked with checking in with newcomers once a week. Shouldn’t AA of all places understand how vulnerable the newly sober are? How fucking hard it is to reach out?

Anyway. Enough complaining.

My point is that I need to connect with people. I need to make the effort. I’m recommitting myself to sobriety and if it’s going to work I will need to get out of my comfort zone and ask for the things I need. I have to be willing to do anything it takes to stay sober.

Please help me.